Mac & "Cheese" Casserole Thing

 

  

I was told recently that baked pasta casseroles are "retro" now.  That means all you hipster kids can pretend you are old enough to have been raised on these heart disease pseudo-foods.  Thanks to the marvels of modern cheese science, vegans can now slap on their best frock and stick it to the red menace.

Crap to use:

• Pasta
• Roma Tomatoes
• Unsweetened Malk
• Hemp Hearts
• Frozen Peas
• Daiya Shreds
• Black Pepper
• Red Garlic Powder

 

The Peas

The first and most important step to this meal is to put a bag of frozen peas directly on the hot heating element of the stove. This will infuse the peas with petroleum-derived plastics.  As we all know, oil is made from ancient compressed organic matter and eating it gives you the power of dinosaurs.

 

The Pasta

If you need directions to boil pasta, maybe you should give up right now and order a nice vegan pizza.

The "Cheese" Slop

Heat up about a cup and a half of your malk in a sauce pan.  When it is hot, mix in your Diaya shreds and stir the fuck out of it until smooth.

When the sauce is relatively smooth, stir in your chopped tomatoes, hemp hearts, frozen peas, spices and whatever else you have laying around.  Simmer until the sauce is thick (stirring often).

 

Assembly

Mix the sauce and pasta in a casserole dish.  Then bake it at 350 until it looks done.

 

 

 

Eat It.

Tacitos

One of the things new vegans seem to have a lot of trouble with is the transition away from almost exclusively cooking frozen prepared foods.  Fortunately, there are products like these tacitos.  Pop these on a cookie sheet and within twenty minutes you can be pounding these oily salt sticks down your guilt pipe.

Health!

Hemp Hearts

 

Now I know what you are about to say.  "Hemp Hearts on a junkfood blog?? What kind of hippie bullshit is this?" 

Before you make yourself sound stupid, look at the back of the bag. Sure they have plenty of vitamins, minerals and a healthy balance of omega-6/3.  But hold up.  Look at the calories and fat!!  Just 30 grams add 170 calories and 13 grams of fat to any meal.  Blast your salads, soups and cereals with these bad boys and you'll be a fatty by summer.

 

A cup of these will add over 900 calories to any meal... Fuck Yeah! 

Vegan Becel

It always confused me why they even bothered using milk ingredients in margarine.  Earth Balance is generally the margarine of choice in most vegan recipes, but it tastes a bit off and the texture is super hard for a spread.

Enter Vegan Becel.  Becel seems to have pretty much just veganized their normal spreadable margarine.  It has a soft texture, is lower in saturated fats and tastes just like their normal stuff.

Earth Balance still has a wide range of products, unmatched by anyone else.  So if you need a good shortening or a flavoured spread, they are still probably the way to go.  But when I need a big bowl of margarine for breakfast, Becel is my weapon of choice.

Grocery Store Party Time

Germany and Japan. Axis of deliciousness?

Much like the flow of electrons, lunch can usually be achieved by following the path of least resistance.  Most grocery stores these days seem to have a sushi counter to help twenty-three year old people with ironically unstylish clothes feel like the characters in festival films.  This section can usually be mined for at least one or sometimes as many as... TWO vegan options.

Just watch out for the "wassabi".  In these cheapo prepackaged meals, it is usually just coloured horseradish.  Sometimes with a dairy base.

And since you are already at the grocery store, you have a wide range of beverages to top off your metropolitan day on the town. You go girl.

Chili "Cheese" Fries

Chili "Cheese" Fries

Get into my mouth.

Chili "Cheese" Fries.  Is there a more perfect merger of the anti-food groups?  No vegan should have to suffer though a life without this staple food and thanks to miracles in modern fake cheese science, they wont have to.  It's quick to make and pretty much impossible to mess up.

Caution: These directions make enough for two big servings.  I advise you share with someone or plan some time for a nap.

The Fries

Any kind of fries will due.  I used a whole bag of frozen crinkle-cuts because I am lazy and the crinkles are all wiggly and that makes me happy.  You could slice up some fresh gourmet potatoes and lightly saute them in oil, garnishing with some rosemary... But you are going to be pouring a pile a cheese and shit all over them so freezer fries are probably best.

Follow whatever directions for your fries, keeping in mind that if you want them to have any texture under the mountain of sauce, crisper is better.

The Cheese Sauce

This cheese sauce is one of the greatest advances in vegan science in our generation. Originally inspired by the nacho cheese used by the Vegan Black Metal Chef's nacho and taco recipe.

Just heat up about a cup of your favourite non-dairy milk (unsweetened tends to taste the least weird in this kind of sauce) in a small sauce pan. Once hot, reduce heat and stir in about 2/3rds of a package of your favourite flavour of Daiya shreds, black pepper, Sriracha and whatever other spices you have laying around.

This stuff is going to need to simmer for a while and needs constant stirring.  You just need to simmer and stir until it is smooth and thick.

The Chili

Any kind of chili will do. I took the path of least resistance and used canned.

Directions: Make it hot.

Fresh Toppings

Now, as with all vegan food, you have to make it fresh and healthy. This can be achieved by futilely topping your sticky, greasy, salty mass of gluttony with freshly chopped green onions.  You could also use some finely chopped bell peppers, chilies or maybe some vegan margarine and potato chips.

Assembly

When everything is ready, lay out the fries in a bowl or dish. Layer on some chili, cheese sauce and toppings. You can then continue to layer in this order until you fill your bowl shamefully high.

Proceed to pig out and crash.