KML Apple Bars

When you are addicted to junk food, the all night drug store becomes a familiar place to be wandering around hungry at 3am.  Thankfully, many of the foods here are so abstracted from nature that they are not only vegan, but it some cases fully non-biological!  You need need a degree in chemical linguistics and a nice evening in to fully read the ingredient list on these "Apple Bars".  Doing the math, it seems like animal products are basically the only ingredient not listed.

Made with Real Fruit - ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED

Science!

Double Chocolate Pistachio Donuts (Girlfriend Edition)

So I didn't actually make these doughnuts, but I fully intend on eating at least five of them.  They were whipped up by my better half via this recipe.

Baked in a doughnut pan

Ganache'd

Nut Dipped

Get Into Me

Onion Dip

Tastes better than it looks

Onion dip is the go-to easy party food.  It's quick to prep, everyone loves it and it is generally not vegan.  Fortunately, Tofutti brand "Better than Sour Cream" tastes pretty much like the real stuff.  It's even unhealthy!!  It's high in calories and saturated fats. <3 Anyway, it's great.

So to make it you basically just mix any vegan brand of onion soup mix you can find into the sour "cream". The end.

Vegetables

As the photo on the soup box illustrates, this dip is perfect for vegetables so find some vegetables and get dipping!

Mac & "Cheese" Casserole Thing

 

  

I was told recently that baked pasta casseroles are "retro" now.  That means all you hipster kids can pretend you are old enough to have been raised on these heart disease pseudo-foods.  Thanks to the marvels of modern cheese science, vegans can now slap on their best frock and stick it to the red menace.

Crap to use:

• Pasta
• Roma Tomatoes
• Unsweetened Malk
• Hemp Hearts
• Frozen Peas
• Daiya Shreds
• Black Pepper
• Red Garlic Powder

 

The Peas

The first and most important step to this meal is to put a bag of frozen peas directly on the hot heating element of the stove. This will infuse the peas with petroleum-derived plastics.  As we all know, oil is made from ancient compressed organic matter and eating it gives you the power of dinosaurs.

 

The Pasta

If you need directions to boil pasta, maybe you should give up right now and order a nice vegan pizza.

The "Cheese" Slop

Heat up about a cup and a half of your malk in a sauce pan.  When it is hot, mix in your Diaya shreds and stir the fuck out of it until smooth.

When the sauce is relatively smooth, stir in your chopped tomatoes, hemp hearts, frozen peas, spices and whatever else you have laying around.  Simmer until the sauce is thick (stirring often).

 

Assembly

Mix the sauce and pasta in a casserole dish.  Then bake it at 350 until it looks done.

 

 

 

Eat It.

Tacitos

One of the things new vegans seem to have a lot of trouble with is the transition away from almost exclusively cooking frozen prepared foods.  Fortunately, there are products like these tacitos.  Pop these on a cookie sheet and within twenty minutes you can be pounding these oily salt sticks down your guilt pipe.

Health!

Hemp Hearts

 

Now I know what you are about to say.  "Hemp Hearts on a junkfood blog?? What kind of hippie bullshit is this?" 

Before you make yourself sound stupid, look at the back of the bag. Sure they have plenty of vitamins, minerals and a healthy balance of omega-6/3.  But hold up.  Look at the calories and fat!!  Just 30 grams add 170 calories and 13 grams of fat to any meal.  Blast your salads, soups and cereals with these bad boys and you'll be a fatty by summer.

 

A cup of these will add over 900 calories to any meal... Fuck Yeah! 

Vegan Becel

It always confused me why they even bothered using milk ingredients in margarine.  Earth Balance is generally the margarine of choice in most vegan recipes, but it tastes a bit off and the texture is super hard for a spread.

Enter Vegan Becel.  Becel seems to have pretty much just veganized their normal spreadable margarine.  It has a soft texture, is lower in saturated fats and tastes just like their normal stuff.

Earth Balance still has a wide range of products, unmatched by anyone else.  So if you need a good shortening or a flavoured spread, they are still probably the way to go.  But when I need a big bowl of margarine for breakfast, Becel is my weapon of choice.